oh the shenanigans

In a shell's nut

People enjoy calling me Davey. I enjoy people. I love Christ and He loves me more.

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hips can be replaced but not forgot

it is ok to question.

sometimes if I don’t question something, I feel like I would go crazy.

I love to play the devils advocate.  Even if I agree 100% with that person, at times I will push them to see how much they believe it.

( side note: This angels and airwaves album “Love Part 2″ I could listen too all dang day! and I do…a lot.)

I hope that people in my life challenge me in that same way.

at times that I am laying in bed wide-eyed at 2a.m in the morning I feel that I find myself questioning things I have believed for years. simple things.

chicken tastes great..but why?

haha that’s not really something I ponder because I know it is an absolute truth.

a train of questions in my head might go something like this:

why is God good?

how is He good?

Why is He good to me?

What is good?

why does He see me as good?

Why can’t I see Him?

What am I doing to hide from all this good?

what is the point of running?

why do I keep running?

Then it comes to a point as to where I am faced with accepting and moving on, or really, really doubting any and all things.

I used to think doubting ment I wasn’t a christian. That Jesus didn’t love me enough to make my thoughts on who and what He is firm and steadfast.

Genesis 32:24-26 (ESV)

24 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said,“I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

It goes on to reveal that the man was in fact (as most theologians and scholars would say) was Jesus, and He did bless Jacob and gave him a new name. Israel. “because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

It is always cool in the Bible when God gives people a new name.

it usually is at a big moment in their life and marks change.

Abram became Abraham

Simon became Cephas (Peter)

Saul of Tarsus became Apostle Paul

just to name a few.

I see a few things happening with Jacob. Obviously  the name change, also earlier in the chapter God tells Jacob that  ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.’” Jacob is praying to God for strength and wisdom, at this time mainly because He is afraid of His brother Esau, who He thinks is still mad at him and is going to kill his family..and Jacob is reminding God of His promise to him. I feel like Jacob was  doubting God and his promise of Jacob’s prosperity. So Jacob hides his wives and his baby momma’s and his children and everything he owns across a river but Jacob goes back to his own camp and is alone. This is when God shows up. I don’t know about you but if a dude randomly sneaks up on my at night while I am alone I’m gonna thing he is trying to murder me. So I am going to assume that is why Jacob started to wrestle with this man in the middle of the night. Highly doubtful this dude came about and was like ” hey bro you wanna WRESTLE?!?! I brought some extra leotards and gear here and I am just itching to spar with someone… you game?”

anyways.

So as Jacob wrestles this man for hours and hours the man realizes He can’t overpower Jacob and so he knocks his hip out-of-place. I don’t know if you wrestle much but you use your hips a lot when you wrestle. so I am sure Jacob fighting through all that pain and still being able to hold his own is pretty awesome within itself. The sun is coming up so the man in my mind is getting hungry from all this exertion and dirty fighting He asks Jacob to stop but Jacob refuses to stop until that man will bless him.

I always thought that was an interesting thing to ask when fighting someone.

maybe it was because his hip hurt like a mother and he knew he was in the middle of a journey and what ever else was going on in his head Jacob wanted to be blessed in those things.

some say that he might have known that the man had some sort of power with the whole dislocating the hip in one move situation and was asking to be blessed because of that fact.

But that isn’t the important part.

27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And there he blessed him.

God asked Jacob’s name because He knew that he was going to give him a new name according to the faith Jacob had and how well he fought. I like to think God came to wrestle with Jacob to prove that Jacob was worthy of all those promises.  Jacob now Israel should have known who he was wrestling and speaking with at this point and was almost redundant for him to ask the name of the man.

Going back to the things I was speaking about before.

I feel like this is the analogy that I was looking for to explain myself on my struggling, doubting, wrestling, with the things of God.

We see that God promised things to Jacob, Jacob knew what those things were, He prayed those things back to God when times where getting scary for him, Jacob was then left alone and wrestled with God, God marked him, renamed him,and blessed him. In the next chapter Esau RAN to Jacob to embrace him. The brother whom Jacob had stolen the blessing from him as teenagers from their father, and shamed him completely ran and embraced him. I am sure that through Israel off just a bit.

When we struggle, or doubt the promises of God, we must first remember them, even if at the time we don’t believe them.

again Jacob was afraid that Esau was going to KILL him and his family….

then we must get alone with God and wrestle with Him. push back, fight back, get down and dirty, use your fists. until morning comes and the day is new and you feel that you can receive those promises with new eyes.

and in that wrestling time God does something cool. He marks you. and  yes that mark even might hurt. but it is just enough to make you remember, one that HE is GOD, two that when that mark shows itself again it will remind you of those doubts and what it took to get through them and it will make it easier to see what God was and is doing.

Then, God renames. I fully believe that God has a new name for us, even though the one you have now is perfect and He chose the one you have now for a reason.

I pray that we all have those moments were we feel that our name really has changed. even if it was just in the spiritual places, but God knows it. And when that day comes that He calls you by it you will know His name. you will understand it more than you did before.

So thankful that I have a God that lets us wrestle with the things we doubt, or struggle with, and loves us enough to get down in the dirt with us and fight.

Posted by  |  April 23, 2012 | Categories: biblical, journal, Spiritual | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

a slightly coherent rambling

I am not really sure what is on my mind. But I feel like I should be putting something down.

if that is OK with you dear reader.

Actually I don’t care what you think.

not to be offensive, or rude, but you did click on this to read and maybe read my thoughts and opinions.  you opened the box.  ( please if you are thick minded read the past few sentences in complete sarcasm.) ( even that last one).

and now back to the show.

as I was discussing with another friend of mine the many different random things and situations that have been happening in and around us, things have seemed a bit off or even a bit weird. maybe we aren’t focused. maybe we’ve been caught with our thumbs in our mouths and we should be DOING something but have neglected.

I guess that has been my feeling.

I need to ACT on the things I am passionate about.

I know I say that a lot.

I say that a lot sitting down.

( at the moment I am laying down)

But I feel like I am in another one of those classic holding patterns.

  “Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains.  You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. “
                                                                                                                                                                                         
                                                                                                                                                                                   James 5:7-8
Sometimes the advice I give others I wish I could yield to myself at times. A lot of those times I know my wisdom in those situation isn’t my own. I know I am where I am at right now because the things my friends are going through are all things I know I will most likely have to also go through, or already have, or still am.
Obviously I am speaking things most know, but I know sometimes we also over complicated everything. I know I sure as hell do.
It is what drives us to be in community.  To have others feel what we are going through, or understand, or learn. I know I am thankful for my friends because a lot of them are going through things I can’t even imagine, and I am thankful I won’t, but I am so glad I get to see them and encourage them through it. It is in those times, when I see the rawness of my friends, and respect and love them more. we have to be OK with getting our hands dirty.
Sorry for the tangent.
being patient is hard.
it is hardest when you want to DO.
It is hardest when you aren’t hearing/feeling/knowing/seeing an answer.
the unknown.
the unknown time frame.
                            hurt
                            result
                            changes
But then when all is said and done, we look back and are at peace with what God has done. because Ultimately He made us more holy. And we see what He was doing. and sometimes during those times we have peace, but it passes all understanding of our minds. we  don’t know where it comes from. I can only explain it as confidence in Christ and Him knowing just what we need to look more like Him.  our crosses are dirty, heavy, splintered. So we will be tired, we will be worn out, sweaty, and injured. God doesn’t always want to get us OUT of our situations. He wants us to get THROUGH them.
” Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say,  or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”    
                                                                                                                                                                                         2 Corinthians 12:6-10
Thanks Paul. Couldn’t have said it better.
It is in those places that we should be seeking God. Not blaming God. His Strength is in our weakness.
all this to say.
being patient is hard, when things are weighing you down. things never seem to be going right,  you can’t seem to get a break. That is why we have community. That is why when shit hits the fan we press into God. His strength will shine through us. We don’t need to act or pretend to be strong for God. I know that is where all my strength comes from is Him.
I am strong because I am weak…
I am weak, for He is strong.
wrap me in your arms.
that’s where I want to be.
I wont be doing this alone.
be my strength Lord.
without you I am alone and weak.

Posted by  |  March 19, 2012 | Categories: journal, random, rant, relationships, Spiritual, Uncategorized | Leave A Comment »

overflowing

so at a loss on how to spend time with God recently, I grabbed some of my old journals. granted I haven’t journaled much in the past year and a half I would say. But I am so glad I did during the times that I was slightly consistent enough. I was reading something I was writing about one of the retreats at the beginning times in Elevate.   ( the discipleship school I was in at Antioch Community Church in Waco, Tx) and it was just all these things of people coming to me during times of worship and prayer, and the things that God was telling me,

there was one moment in particular that struck me.

mainly because I had forgotten about this memory until I read this.

This man name Joe from  Scotland, who is an amazing man of God that hears Him so clearly walked over to me while some of my friends were praying for me. he hands me a cup of water. I thought it was kind of curious, but I took it, and Joe told me to drink. So as I looked at him slightly dumbfounded and confused I took a sip. I brought the cup back down and immediately Joe said ” DRINK” so a hastily shoved the cup back in my mouth and took another sip, but obviously that wasnt the response Joe was going for so he again told me “DRINK” and In my head I am thinking,

“did he put something in it? tastes fine to me? what is going on?”

with my thoughts racing I finished that cup of water like I had just ran a marathon.

That seemed to satisfy the old Scotsman.

He quietly took the cup from me, put his other hand on my shoulder ( mind you there are about another five sets of hands still on my shoulder and back since they where still praying for me)

He looked me in the eyes and said,

“David, this is a prophetic symbol of what God was wanting to do in my life. He is giving me a taste of Him, I know, as a son of God that it is good, He wants to shower me with who He is and His love and grace so much so that it would fill me up till I am overflowing with Him.”

I think I pretty much lost it at that moment. If my memory serves me correctly I was so overwhelmed at this revelation, that for one,

God wanted to speak to me through someone,

that He cared enough to do that for me,

up until that point I had felt like a valley of dry bones,

afraid that God wasn’t (didn’t) want to speak to me at all in  any way

I had never been overflowing with the love and grace of Christ. I knew in the back of my mind that it was something that I wanted dearly. At least my  spirit was longing for it because it knew it was going to actually give me rest and peace for the first time in a long time. That is all I ever wanted.

Looking back at times and interactions like that with my Creator really mess with me sometimes. I get mad at myself for not remembering the things that He has already done for me. They are countless. They are a reminder that I am so fickle in my love for the one that loves me more than any friend, any woman, any family member could. He would reach through other broken people just to speak to the broken places in my life.

“Lord, let me have the faith that you will always stay true to that promise you gave me years ago, that you want to overflow my spirit with yours so that your Glory will shine brighter than anything I could make myself to be. Give me grace when I forget the things that you have already done in my life, you have and are doing so many things that are blowing my mind and my heart right now. I am overwhelmed with what you are doing in my life TODAY, and it makes me want to get up the next to see what you have next for me. so thankful for the amazing people you have placed in my life that have helped me be who I am today and are helping me grow in these present days. Thank you for being unchanging and always moving. I am taken aback by your love, help me love others the way you love me. Let my spirit be overflowing so that others may come and drink and know that you are Good…”

Posted by  |  February 6, 2012 | Categories: journal, Spiritual | 2 Comments »

It’s been a long time coming…(things to say about saying things)

So I guess it has been awhile since I have honestly had the time to sit down and do this mess. A lot has happened, things have changed, I guess you could say I am in a quite different place than I was my last post. Or at least to myself it seems that way.  I guess we should get the ramble on eh?

Right now my deepest desire is to get back to Scotland. I am ready. I need to go. I think I might scream or punt a baby off a bridge if I don’t go soon…

I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me while I am there… I just first have to get there. I have a feeling in my gut that when I go something in the Spirit is going to happen and shift everything I thought I was headed towards to something I couldn’t imagine.

But here is to hoping.

I had one of the toughest conversations I have ever had to have (so far). It wasn’t that the words, or the person or whatever had to do with it, it just, was the most painful thing in my soul to look them in the eye, which was super hard in the first place, and to have to fight my flesh. That person might even read this. But above all, I want the best for them even if it tears me down for a while, it’ll be worth it.

God intersected me during my funeral procession again..

I was on a path of destruction. I could feel it. But I didn’t want to do anything about it. I was kinda hoping He would just make it all happen. But instead He woke me up. And just as dead as I felt, I sometimes think the stench of death follows me to try to make me think I am dead still. But I must remind myself, that the same power that raised Christ from death, that He used to raise me from death, lives in me.

I have high self-esteem to some extent. Then reality likes to slap me in the face.

so I plan to make changes. for the better. So I might  actually get to do things I enjoy. I feel like shit all the time. It kills me. it consumes me. therefore I consume. which is weird. But I guess that is most people’s reaction. I sometimes wonder how the people outside my head see me when they look at me. But then I realize it doesn’t really matter. Then I realize I need something different.

It is a new  year. The other one didn’t feel like one. But I met some of my favorite people I have ever met in that last year. So it might could be one of my favorite years. Just on that fact alone.

I’m selfish. I’m territorial. So don’t touch my rum.

I’m at a loss. mainly for words. I guess I am not as good as a wordsmith as I previously though. Things don’t always go my way anymore. Whats up with that…

I’d rather care for you than myself sometimes. I think that is why I don’t take care of myself. You’re a better person than me I am sure of it.

I don’t want to be normal. Why do people fight to fit in? I don’t understand that. Be weird. and be good at it. Don’t be weird about it.

If I had a quarter every time someone said “if I had quarter every time I heard that!” I would be giving myself a lot of quarters.

I wish Kel was on SNL.

I had a speech prepared. But then I remembered I’m not speaking.

Things have changed. Don’t be afraid of it. Because there will just be more changes waiting for you. Embrace it and get ready for the next one.

My best friend lost his father. It tore me apart. I can’t even think about losing mine before I go nuts.

I put a lot of spaces in this blog.

It’s been a long time coming. Find your voice. Find a reason for it. Then maybe someone will listen. Just make sure your voice isn’t about you. Talking about yourself doesn’t help anyone. life isn’t about you anyways.

Christ, give me the words, to share the gospel with boldness and without fear.

Posted by  |  January 8, 2012 | Categories: friendships, journal, rant, relationships | Tags: | Leave A Comment »

some things in my brain matter

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything. I did work on a post but I am still trying to make it work well. You know when you get a good idea in your head but it doesn’t turn out as well as you hoped? well I am trying to get it back to that “AH-HA!” point again and not just some other rambling to read from me.

With that, a lot has been happening in my life. Spiritual, physically, emotionally, and relational. Lots on my mind but there really hasn’t been a filter that helps me express what is going on in a well formed matter.  even an understandable matter. I am honestly just burnt out. I have probably said that a lot lately if you hang out with me. I just feel a lot of heavy weight in my soul, and there are a lot of reasons for that that I did to myself and other reasons that are out of my control.

Last week I went to World Mandate at my old church in Waco. Saw so many old friends, that have gone and done awesome amazing things around the world or even our own country. Their lives are moving on, as is mine, but as much as I knew them back in the day, I know I dont know them well at all now because I know I am a different person. It is weird to think about that, people you were so close to and move away, you both move on in your lives, but for some reason in our heads we know we are changing but we expect those old friends to be the same people we remember.

That was a bit of a bunny trail.

Anyways.

The Lord did a lot of cool things that weekend. He really just reminded me of the urgency of the Call that is given to us as Christians to spread the gospel and that we need to long for His return. Is His return more important to me than getting married and having kids? Thats hard for me sometimes to think about. At times I want to say yes and other times its a no, and I feel like I want God to wait a bit before coming back. Which is obviously completely selfish because when I do that I lose the opportunity to share the gospel and love people well for my own gain, and I think of it as allowing more people going to an eternity without Him because I want to have some kids?  When Paul says ” to live is Christ, as die is gain.”  Do I see my death from this world as a gain?  Is the person of Jesus who I long for more than the wife He has for me? Even if He does have a wife for me isn’t bringing His name Glory and Fame more important?

I ask myself these questions a lot.

Why can’t Jesus be enough for me all the time? Why do I forget that He is the only person that will satisfy everything that I want and need?

God is a God of action. He is always drawing people to Himself and He is always moving. Which means to me that I don’t need to be stagnant, that I need to be going and doing what He is doing and where He is going. If we say we want to be lead by God then we need to let Him lead us and not sit there and watch God run after people while we ask Him to bring those people to us? You can’t follow someone while you wait. You follow someone by doing and going where they go.  Get off your ass and follow, or be left in the dust wondering why God doesn’t move powerfully in your life. We need to stop being selfish and stop just eating milk from the teat of complacency  because its comfortable, when there is a table of glorious  meaty awesomeness, but we have to get up and go to the table and do work to cut into those meats.

Lord, please help me put my trust in you! let me see your people the way you see them,help me see myself the way you see me, be strong in my weaknesses of selfishness and complacency.  Let my approval be found in You alone and no wife that you have prepared for me, or the friends that I have, let me be abandoned in your love so that I may love others recklessly and passionately. Let me beat my flesh into submission so that your Spirit will shine through. You alone are God, give me the desire to see you return, for I know that you are the only gain that I need.

Posted by  |  September 25, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | Leave A Comment »

anticipation with two pumps of waiting

Something is happening..well I guess I should say something is GOING to happen…

I honestly think the way I feel right now is the way I felt at the beginning of my time at Antioch. Waiting, anticipating, wanting, curious,and overall just plain excited is the way I felt then. I had no idea what the Lord in store for me. I was in a new town right out of high school, living with four guys I had literally just met when moving my stuff in to the house. A whole new culture, a whole new…EVERYTHING. The only thing that I knew was God had called me to Waco, to Antioch, at that moment, for that period of time. I knew He wanted to do something in me that would shape the rest of my life and even my eternity. I was completely open for what the Lord had for me even I didn’t know what the heck that was or what it was gonna look like. But I was all in.

A lot of the same feelings and emotions I felt then are definitely relevant now.  It is a bit different this time in the fact that I am still in my home town, and I have already created some amazing friendships and relationships that I know i will cherish for the rest of my life. But in the sense that I feel that Jesus is about to move in big ways, not only in my life but in the others around me.  I think that is what gets me pumped up the most, seeing God just blow people up with the Holy Spirit and see them bring the Kingdom here in ways that I never thought that would be possible.  I really can’t even think about or dwell on everything that I feel like the Lord is about to do.

I am so thankful for so many people around me it hurts sometimes. I usually try to keep names out of my blog posts because I feel like the ones that I am talking about know who they are.   Probably because I inform them constantly for how grateful I am for their presence in my life.

I really wish I could express myself better in how I really feel at this moment.

I have no idea what is in store. But I know it will be good. I know it will change me. I know it will challenge me. I know it will be hard at times. I know that He is faithful.

Psalm 27:

 13 I remain confident of this: 
   I will see the goodness of the LORD 
   in the land of the living. 
14 Wait for the LORD; 
   be strong and take heart 
   and wait for the LORD.

As much as a self-proclaimed doer I am, waiting is the hardest thing for me to do. Anywhere. Doctors office, waiting for a movie to start. Waiting for a friend I haven’t seen in a while to arrive at previously appointed destination. And usually what goes with waiting is anticipation. Even if you are going to loath the situation, there is still a sense of anticipation. Take the friend thing for example.  You’re sitting at a table at starbucks with your venti whatever with a double shot no foam two pump of every flavor skim and whole milk, sugar-free with three packets of sugar in the raw with whipped cream and the barista’s number on your napkin because she laughed at your joke ( or at your order and she really just gave you a freedom to addiction hotline ) and the only reason you got a venti is because you knew what ever you and your friend were gonna talk about was gonna take a while. So your friend texts you and says they are going to be like ten minutes late. You think to yourself, whatever more time to people watch. But because of anticipation, and feeling like you need to do something you guzzle down that venti before your friend arrives. Now you’re all kinds of hopped up on caffeine and you’re planning on sitting and talking for the next two hours?  ( heck I am speaking slightly from experience here ( besides the number thing, I’ve never been THAT suave))

OK you got the scene right?

So your friend finally arrives. They go order a drink and you start to make weird slurp noises from the melted ice and watered down whatever you had trying to pretend like there is more and that it actually still tastes good. Finally the conversation starts, hopefully after a good hug or something of the sort. I don’t know how you greet your friends.  Anyways, even as the conversation starts there is still anticipation, even if the waiting is over with  you still have no idea where this conversation is gonna go. You haven’t seen them in a while. So you try to impress them with your life at first, you tell all the funny stories from parties that you graced people with your presence at, you talk about all the killer things the Lord is speaking to you, and five minutes in you’ve spilled all your beans because of all the caffeine in your system made you speak like Speedy Gonzales just got released from a life sentence. And your friend is staring at you like you just punched a baby, because you talked so fast. The anticipation made you want to get everything out because you couldn’t wait to share everything.

so imagine that friend was Jesus.

the moral of the story is, don’t meet with Jesus at Starbucks. He would rather go to Mozart’s.

Joking aside.  I feel like that’s how we treat Jesus at times.  We want Him to show up, we want Him to talk to us, we want to meet with Him, but in the end we do all the talking even if He is there and willing to talk we don’t shut up and we get out what we needed to get out and then once that is done we check out.

I just want to wait on the Lord. As hard as that can be at times, I know waiting and seeing what the Lord wants to say and do will always be better than what I want to say and do. Every time I have done that things always turn out way better than I could have ever planned. Like my time at Antioch. Because I wanted to submit to what the Lord had for me it made it easy for me to wait on Him.  My Spirit really does feel like a I drank 37 Venti “whatevers”  but I know that waiting and letting God be God and listening to Him will make things so much better. I mean He is God.

Posted by  |  August 20, 2011 | Categories: Spiritual | Leave A Comment »

Musings of a Glory Thief

some times its hard to open up my Bible…well I guess I should say, turn on my Bible.

I miss opening up my Bible.

But that’s beside the point at the moment. Not that I really have a point to this entry other than opening up.

Shake things up a bit. let myself be known. It is easy for me to hide behind my humor and boisterousness at times and its even a defense  mode of mine to play off how I really feel. I think my real friends can tell the difference. Or at least I hope that they could.

Not going to lie.. My heart is heavy.

I see my mistakes and how it affects the people I am walking with, and how I interact with them. It puts a weight on my heart because I truly do love them.

My heart lays heavy because at times I get overwhelmed with compassion for the lost and I feel so useless in that work. How well am I really loving people in my life to where they feel like they have been with Jesus and see His love through me?

I could go on and on and on about how much I fail at bringing the Kingdom here on a daily basis.

I have these dreams, aspirations, wants, and most are good things. Planting churches in Europe ( Scotland mainly), finding and loving a woman of God, having children with that woman and loving them, being used by my Creator to share his love in the way I live my life and the way my family lives theirs. I see grand things happening for the Kingdom. I always have. As a young boy, I saw crowds and stages and lights, and at times I though, how am I going to get there? why would I get there?  Then I realize, it’s not for me, it’s not about me. It’s about Him, and I wont get there unless He takes me there and I know that those things are for His Glory and not mine. As a young boy I used to think that I was ment to become famous. Somehow. But if I recall an old worship song my youthband  used to play,

” You are the Lord, the Famous One, The Famous One, Great is your Fame in all the Earth”

How am I making God Famous? not infamous.

He can do that on His own if He really wanted to. But He loves me enough to let me carry His name and bring Him glory. and I  WANT to. but sometimes in the back of my head I think, ” can I get a piece of that?” which defeats the purpose. I want to give Christ the glory but am I gonna get some from it too? Will people remember me? will people come up to me in Heaven and say ” If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here.” Will I be able to say that it wasn’t anything that I did but what God did through me is the reason they are standing next to me in the throne room?

I know I am prideful. I know I don’t shut up when my tongue should be still. I know that there I times I steal my Creators Glory.

Romans 8:

 ”15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

 18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”

At times I don’t know how to fathom that.

I fear that I am at times stealing His Glory. And I know that I do. But when we give Him all the Glory, He Glorifies us? That is better than giving myself glory! If we are co-heirs ( meaning we inherit EVERYTHING equally) with Christ, verse 17 says we will SHARE in His Glory?! then it goes on in 18 to say that the glory we receive now can’t even compare to what is waiting for us…

WHY is He so good to us? All I give him is a dirty diaper filled with what would be the aftermath of Indian food, and when He does something powerful I tend to say it was my doing?

Yet He wants to SHARE His Glory with us?

1 John 4:19″We love because he first loved us.”

Obviously we don’t deserve His love. But He loves us no matter what. even if we are Glory thieves. I even getting excited writing this right now… Because I know NOTHING I do will change His love for me.  I pray that  I will always give Him the Glory, and that when I don’t I am reminded of His love and I give it all back to Him…and when I remember His love, my heart is no longer as heavy. Because I can’t earn His love, but I can love back. And as a wanna be father, I know that is all I will ever ask of my wanna be children, is that they love me back.

Posted by  |  August 10, 2011 | Categories: friendships, journal, relationships, Spiritual | Leave A Comment »

Burn Us Up

16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:16-18

 

This is by far one of my favorite stories in the Bible, and it is definitely one of the hardest to swallow.

I have always been told that I have a heart of worship and it has always been a way that God has used to talk to me  in so many important moments in my life.

and despite all that He has done for me, would I ever have the courage to stand in front of a conqueror of the world and flat-out say what these men said with that much confidence.

Our God will save us.

and if He doesn’t save us the way we would like Him too, we know He is good.

Is that how I worship God? Do I worship as to where I don’t need to explain myself to anyone about why I worship other than the fact that He is good? Am I worshiping God because it’s the law and it looks good and He does nice things for me? Or am I on my knees because He IS? Because He is there? Because he exists?

The fire was so hot it killed the men that threw them in the furnace…Then there were four.

OK so  imagine you’re in this situation. You just talked smack to the Emperor of one of the greatest Empires ever about your God. ( how often are we scared to even talk to our friends we went to school with about Christ?) and this powerful man gets pissed. Starts spitting orders to annihilate you and your two best friends. I know what would be going through my head.

” holy crap, we are gonna diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie so hardcore.”

and then I am sure id start praying my ass off.

Then some big soldiers grab you and tie you up and drag you to this furnace that is so hot I am sure you could feel it before you even got in the right room. This seems to be a good time to say you were just joking and you will worship that 90 foot idol that’s out there. But now they stay calm. or at least I imagine them that way mainly because of their confidence of their deliverance.  I don’t even at times trust God to get me through a day….let alone get burned alive.

What kind of “fires” are you facing?  some fires might be easy to douse but which ones can you feel the heat hundreds of feet away?  Do you trust God to take care of them? Or do you think you are gonna walk through it? Id like to think that this story wouldn’t have happened if it was just one of these guys.  I think because S/M/A  were together and stood firm together this miracle happened..together, they could walk into this fire and trust God was going to deliver them or take them home..

“25 He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

 26 Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!”

   So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them. 28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God.” Daniel 3:25-28

These fools got to meet Jesus. at least that is what most scholars believe and myself. Their trust in God was so great He revealed himself to them, walked around and talked with them in this fire. Bringing it back to an earlier point, God just didn’t get them through the fire, He was walking in the fire with them. And through their worship and their trust above anything God’s name was exalted.  Which is really the goal for pretty much anything we do. To bring Christ glory and exalt His name. Verse 28 really makes my head and heart hurt because it makes me think of all the little compromises I make and replace my trust and worship in other things other than the God that has given me everything.

I know it seems as though I am all over the place with this entry but I think I could talk about this one chapter in the Bible over and over again and bring something new out of it every time. So much amazing things are in this chapter and I would encourage you to re-read it and see what the Spirit reveals to you, but here is my bottom line.

I want to have that heart of worship these three men had. I want to be able to trust God so much so that everything I do exalts His name, I want people to be amazed at the things God did. I want to let God walk in my fires with me and not just drag me through them. I want Him beside me. But even if He doesn’t do any of those things I want to worship Him because he IS. because He is the Great I AM…because He will deliver me, in some form or fashion and in the end of it all, when He does, I will get to see Him face to face just like these men who got the sneak peek of their savior. This will be my prayer; that I will stand confident in Christ and what He has done for me that no furnace, no Emperor, no event, no hardship, will make me stop worshiping  (in the words of Nebuchadnezzar himself) The Most High God.

 

 

Posted by  |  July 30, 2011 | Categories: biblical, Spiritual | 2 Comments »

changes that change you (a reflection)

Pretty much this exact time last year, I made a decision that would affect me more greatly than I originally thought it could. I had no idea I would have ended up where I am at this moment. So much has changed and I feel like it’s a good time to reflect on these things and the Goodness of my Savior and knowing that when I step out in faith, even if it isn’t pretty, and even if that step becomes a stumble I know He is there no matter what it looks like, and as long as my eyes are set on Him then I can not fail.

I will never regret trying to follow Christ.

Because every time I make that decision something amazing eventually ends up happening. Something more than I thought could happen to me, mainly because I don’t see myself worthy of having great things happen to me or through me.

A year ago I was struggling. Hard.

A lot due to my own mistakes and stupid decisions. I felt like I was just heading for a wall and if something didn’t change then I would become something that I never wanted to become. Looking back at the situations I was finding myself in, I was trying to handle them I was doing more harm than good. I was becoming bitter and annoyed, at myself and others that did nothing to deserve those feelings, it was just all my own junk.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the people who were in my life and the last thing I wanted to do was end any of those relationships. But it really felt like there was a series of events and moments that really made me feel like God was calling me to move on, so that I could fall more in love with Him.

Yes I was causing a lot of drama that was unnecessary, surprise surprise. I hurt people. But that was never the reason I heard God telling me to move on. I knew I needed to grow up and not ride around on others coat tails any longer or I would end up never really having a true faith in the one I call my Savior.

In the midst of my frustration of my faith and situation, I literally stumbled upon a group of young people my age, that were fighting the same fights, and struggling to struggle with who Christ is to them, and I felt a connection and a peace that I knew this is where God wanted me to end up. So within a short period I met with various pastors that I trusted with all my heart to give me the advice and help I needed to confirm that yes I was hearing the Lord to move on.  As much as I personally wanted and felt like it was time to make a big change in my life I need to know I wasn’t doing this for all the wrong reasons, or If this was just something I made up in my head to not deal with the issues at hand. As I prayed about it daily, talked with wise counsel, I knew that I needed a big change to really change the direction I was going. It wasn’t about the drama with my friends, and it wasn’t about running so that no one would know where or what I was doing in secret. I spent many days and tears fighting myself with this decision to leave a church that had given me so much, that had people who I have loved my whole life, best friends, sisters and brothers in Christ, leaders that were family to me in more ways that I could ever describe.

That was the hardest part for me.

knowing I wasn’t going to be in their lives like I had been for the past couple years, even my time in Waco, I knew this change would be the biggest change in my life that I would have to make.

I had to trust that Christ had the best in store for me. I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Once I had the confirmation I needed that yes it was time to change seasons, it was definitely one of the hardest goodbyes I ever had to do.

Then life started to move really fast.

I met some awesome people, started making new friends, started to get  discipled as much as I could.

But I was still making mistakes. I felt freedom that was good, but I started to abuse it. I was giving God’s grace the most unglorifying salute as much as into making it a license for all my selfishness and sin that I didn’t care.

I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

And if I wanted to make that Christ then I would make that Christ, I wasn’t going to put on masks. I was going to do and say what I wanted. In all of that God’s grace was still sufficient, and His patience with me I never deserved. Yes I made some good steps toward what I felt like the Lord was calling to do and to be, but I also let my flesh get the best of me from time to time. I am not going to lie, but partying is fun. getting drunk is fun. to an extent. I wanted more. of something. Sometimes I would find it in the right places, and most of the time in the not so right places. But this was my journey to follow, yes I know it is always better to not make those mistakes that I had made ( and still make from time to time) but I and to arrive at Christ’s feet for my own reasons not anyone else’s. No one was going to drag me there other than Himself. Sometimes it felt like I was crawling, but sometimes I just wanted to run.  I had to weigh my options at one point. Did I really want Jesus to be the center of my life, the bottom of my joy in everything that I do, or am I going to build my life on things that are just going to fade away and leave me  stranded, starving and alone?

In this year, I feel like I have grown more than I have in a long time. I came to conclusions and convictions that I would probably never have gotten to ( or it would have been years later and I would have hurt way more people)  if I didn’t make the changes that I did. If I didn’t have the grace of God and His patience, I would have ended up hating Him. Resenting Him. But it is His grace that leads us to repentance, not the Ten Commandments, not all the thou shalt nots, not the masks and suites people where to look good to the world. It matters what you do that makes you look like Jesus to the world. Not like a perfect person who votes Republican because that’s what “good upstanding Christians do”, who force rules and regulations so that you look good on the outside , and wont rub shoulders with “sinners” because the sin will rub off on them. Christ didn’t come for people who had it all together. He came for the broken, the widows, the heart-broken, the poor. I know that I will always need Christ to fix me. because I am broken. I will never be able to fix myself up enough to be able to stand in front of Him and say that I was good enough. That offering is just dirty “rags” to Him. I want to be a Holy and Pure offering to Him, and the only way I can do that is through the blood of Christ. I know now that anything God has in store for me is infinitely better than I could ever plan for myself.

I couldn’t ask for a better mentor.

I couldn’t ask for better friends. Which I am making new ones all the time and so thankful for all your beautiful faces.

So many opportunities to bring His Kingdom have come to my attention than there would have been.

I am definitely excited to see what the next year has in store. I know it will be insane because at the center of everything I want to be doing is Christ. I want to be where Christ is moving. I want to be winning battles, fighting for souls and my own, with my brothers and sisters, and see them go out and bring the Kingdom here. I want the impossible to be possible, because of Christ in us the Hope of Glory. I am not doing this for anyone else but Him.  Here I am Lord.

Lets do this.

Posted by  |  July 10, 2011 | Categories: journal, relationships, Spiritual | Leave A Comment »

Kingdom Hearts

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I am living my life at the moment. What am I afraid of? Why am I making the decisions I am making, and what is the goal behind them?  Some of these thoughts were just amplified a bit more lately because of a conversation I had with Ben Sledge. it basically boiled down to two questions.

Is Jesus coming back your GREATEST desire?

What are you doing to bring the Kingdom to Earth?

I wrestle with these questions all the time. Obviously as someone who loves Christ I want Jesus to come back..But do I want Him to come back now? Am I really ready?

For me it’s not as much as the idea of Jesus coming back soon that troubles me, It’s just hard for me to get my desires in order. Yes I want to get married, and have kids, and travel and blah blah blah,  and Jesus coming back might ruin those things right? I mean I know there isn’t going to be marriage in Heaven, so there goes that, why would I have kids in Heaven? there goes that.  And traveling? psh if I am in heaven I know I am gonna be flying around so that’s better than an airplane.

But in a way, one reason I struggle with Jesus coming back now, is I feel like I haven’t done enough to bring His Kingdom here first. In my eyes I have failed in that respect more than i have succeeded. I haven’t fulfilled the things He has seemed to call me to do, my job isn’t done and it hasn’t felt started at times to me. When I know it has, but still I am just being vulnerable here. My life seems so unfinished, so not where I want to be when Jesus comes back.

I want Jesus to say to me, ” Well done good and faithful servant” , not ” Well done good and faithful Facebook user, movie watcher,class clown,etc”

Paul intimidates me.

Philippians 1:20-22

New International Version (NIV)

20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!

His Desire to be with Jesus was so great, greater than it has pretty much ever been for me. He knew that being able to see Jesus was the ultimate gain in this life and the next. and it is so hard for us to see the things in this world that are important to us, or what we want to accomplish, or do, or be known for  is meaningless when we get to see Jesus face to face. I know that when I see Him face to face, all my worries about this life will leave me faster than I can fall on my face at His feet.

2 Corinthians 5

The Message (MSG)

“ 1-5For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we’ll never have to relocate our “tents” again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what’s coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we’re tired of it! We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.

 6-8That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we’ll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.”

Why can’t this be my mindset all the time?!?

I feel like having this way of thinking will in turn make us desire bringing the Kingdom to Earth. Seeing as to that is our job..making our hearts desire, being Christ, and His Kingdom. Being people after Christ’s own heart, which is His church,which is His body, which is His people. If we pursue, if we desire these things in our hearts, how will people be able to say no to it? If we are bringing tastes of Heaven down because He is letting us taste it, we should be wanting others to taste it too. When you find a great place to eat, you don’t keep it to yourself, you tell everyone about it, you take them to it, you enjoy it with them, then you talk about how awesome it is with them and they tell others, and so on and so on. Why Can’t that be Heaven? Why can’t we have our minds set on eternity, desire His Kingdom to come here ( it’s not going to come here if we don’t desire it to come), and if it doesn’t, how will people be able to taste of it like we have?

all of a sudden, my desires to be married seem frivolous in this situation. those kids I want, why have them if I am not bringing the Kingdom to Earth?  I want my heart to desire His Kingdom come. I want to see Him return. I want to see as many of His Children get a glimpse of it so they eagerly await but also work for His return.

 

 

 

Posted by  |  July 1, 2011 | Categories: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

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